memories to be remembered . I need the old of 'us'

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

so, in this entry, I would to combine my languages, I mean, I will write down in both languages, not only in english. Ready to stick up with me?

Lately, I am busy as a bee as I have so many tasks to be done in only days. Plus, I found that all my grades are decreases. I used to gather all A's but then I keep on plucking the C's and D's. Almost E's though. It suprised me. 

At the same time, I have piles of homeworks, I have PRS's duties, and what's important, I have problems with my "close" friend. Do I have to mention? I dont know what I had done, I can feel unbridgeable distance between us. What's shocked me the most is, he said to me directly that," aku yang lari dari kau", and guess what was I feel?

Do I have to laugh? Do I have to pretend like Im still happy to lose friend? Should I? We have so many memories? Do I have to stop from making them? I only have less than 2years to fill up my highschool life. Within 2 years, I want to feel free and I enjoy it.

...and not to feel this feeling

aku dah jaga banyak gila hati, aku lupa kadang-kadang, aku juga ada hati untuk aku jaga. tapi, aku buat-buat lupa, sebab nak jaga hati manusia sekeliling. but, no one appreciates what I had done. orang rapat buat-buat tak nampak. orang jauh judge yang bukan-bukan. Do I have to make an annoucement and tell to all the society? aku ni jenis pemendam, no matter what I feel, aku simpan, sampai aku rasa hati aku dah sarat, aku tak mampu tahan, the tears will roll down the cheeks.

sampai satu tahap, aku tak tahu sampai bila aku nak jaga hati manusia yang tak jaga hati aku. I have a heart that want to be taken care as well. 

bila kau buat distance without I know what's the reasons are. sampai tua pun tak tahu mana salah aku. kalau kau buat distance sampai kau buat aku rasa salah gila, what will you gain, huh?

tak sayang friendship?
tak sayang?

I admit, I do. that's why i try my best to speak. I let down my ego. I try to talk politely as I can. But until when? cubalah faham what I feel. 

try to understand

kalau kau nak aku faham kau. aku dah buat. aku faham dan aku mampu ceritakan. but how about you? do you feel me?

saat aku under pressure. I need you to be talk you to be talk to. I want to release my tense. I want to express everything. tak tahu pula aku ditinggalkan saat aku memerlukan seorang kawan. My mind thinks so much things. takkan kau tak ada feeling when kau tengok aku.

aku stres
markah aku down
aku kena kecam
aku busy gila
aku banyak homework tak siap
aku tak faham apa aku belajar
aku mengantuk dalam kelas
aku ada banyak masalah

since you make steps, me, myself will try to heal what had you done to my heart. 


move on isnt easy as ABC. 

I miss our memories, sampai bila kau nak lari dari aku. aku nak KITA.

The Old Of US :"(

thanks for those who are there with me no matter what situation I am
I need you guys

what's wrong with you?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     Since it seems so hard to tell everyone that something wrong had happened towards me. It is like, you are keep on throwing your dulcet smile which is consists about 100 millions problems in it. But then, no one knows.

    Day by day, i dont know why, I keep on sleepy in the classroom. Piles of homeworks to be done and I done nothing sometimes. Most of them are telling me that I have to manage my time wisely. Guess what? My time had been planned with the unnecessary proggrames and I dont have much time to make some revisions, homeworks and rest!

   It is all my fault? But then, I keep on being fault. I am universe of problems because I dont know where should I express my feelings. Everything comes and tries to put me down.


     The only sentence that pictures me on this moment. I keep on crying sometimes as I feel so burden. Everything hits me and I dont know how to arrange it. There are lots of people around me and they keep on watching me.

    They are helping by lending me their eyes, (even not help me at all) :"(

   I feel something had changed in my life. I feel tired all the times and I keep on skip my class. I wanna my old life back!

    Im so worried of the upcoming exam. Surely, Allah is The Only One who knows me well. Bestfriend? No, I mean, friend. They will come when they truly need you but please, dont be so overexcited. They will leave when they need to. 

   You may be the place where everyone wants to have rest. almost! From now on, everything needs to be fix. (note for self)

    Ya Allah, the only thing I seek from You is, please lend me your "SLAVE" which comes as a friend so that I can express what I feel right now. How much time for me to take until I meet a person who I will put about more than 70 percent of trust?

    what's wrong with you? I feel all wrong right now!

P/s: Anybody? Help me please

I want to turn back the time

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Don’t trust too much.
Don’t love too much.
Don’t hope too much.
Because that too much
can hurt you so much.

     At this moment, what I feel is what I wonder. Are all the mess come from me? Am I the culprit or more than that? Is it wrong to stand for my right? Is it my fault for being so expose to take care of my beloved stuff? I want the real answer as I cant stand for it anymore.

     Im all stressed out. Im speechless and I cant think anymore.(but my brain is keep on thinking for the sake of other's heart). Sometimes, bila kita asyik jaga hati manusia, kita sampai lupa yang kita juga ada hati yang perlu kita jaga. Im a human and I also own a heart which to be taken care. 

    and, if only you read my post and understand what im going to tell. Everything comes and enters my head without my permission. Everything is need to be solve and need to be done. Because Im feel all wrong. Even I dont do anything wrong. Itulah hidup aku yang complicated.

    so, this is my letter, because I want to express out everything but it seems hard for me to tell it. I feel a lil awkward. so, I hope, you will read it. I mean, I post it for public because, it's included everyone right now. 

Dear my only bestie,
     How are you? Are you in pink? (please dont be so nerd?) Hey, are you OK? it seems like we havent talk and have some conversation for days. Are you OK in this way? Because I can feel an unbridgable distance between us. I can feel that, our relationship is about miles away these days. So, im so sorry. Im not in your shoes even I had been in that shoes before. Frankly, that is all my fault. I admit for it as I dont want to raise up my ego. Im still working to put my ego away from me. Why you keep on avoiding from see me? Im not a ghost or Valak? If I can turn back the time, I will never scold you or do something which will hurt you or do anything that will make you sad. Eventhough Im not. I have to be hypocrite just because I want to take care of our relation. because i have too..

your friend (if you think the same)
faris yahani

     I want the old of us. I feel all alone as I have no one to talk to. I have no one to be with. i have no one to release my tense. I have no one play around. and I have no one to tell all my stories. 

     Ini bukan sesi rayuan. This is what I feel right now. Im all blunt. Buat tu salah, buat ni salah. so, where is my right? It is all the time to take care of other's feeling. Im tired as well. 

     If you really know me, (as we always stick together), you will understand what I feel at this moment. and i hope you will. I rather to put my stuff (already lost) in account of to strengthen our relationship back!

    Thanks for those who are keep on inspiring me! shoma, jibet, miss anis

    Life is hard though. Hebat macammana orang tu, rapat macammana pun mereka, there will  be a time that they will fight. and it depends on them, sama ada nak kukuhkan hubungan atau sama-sama pacak ego. 

if you were ever in my life & for some reason you aren't now, just know i'll always appreciate everything you taught me & the time we spent

p/s: sorry will be nothing but i'll show you, i'll win your heart back