im grenade. im gonna explode.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم


im grenade. im gonna explode.

walking on the barren roads with no slippers
everyone sees you in a narrow-minded
everyone gonna judge you

you stop and you change your style
you do same thing
but you still repeat the same way with different style

the same thing happens
everyone still keeps an eye on you
everyone still talks back
but a little comes to be friend

you stop and start to say
you keep on your priorities
you do and everyone sees you flaws

youre tired
youre planning to be successful
youre planning to have friends

but you fail for the first time
you lost your old-friends

and now
you are still you
you just improve yourself
while everyone still plays and enjoys the world

you say
"if only i can be like them"
"young, free and fun"

but time is not allowed
youre still on your path

you dont know whether youre in dream
you think you have bestfriend

but you still fight with him
you still mad with him
you still take care of him
you still teach him until late of nights
you still ask him to do good deeds
you still motivate him
you still keep an eye on him

but you still dont know
what the hell in his mind
does he think im his bestfriend too?

please and please
dont hurt me in this way
im all hurt
im tired

im grenade
still wait for right time
still chase for every minute
cause im going to explode

you may not know me
you may hate and dislike me
but you will proud of me
you will love to have me in yours

sincerely from heart : muhammad faris bin yahani

mixed feeling

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     well, being so exhausted with a great future sometimes bring me to the place where i cant think that much. i know everyone deserves to feel better. everyone deserves to achieve what they want in their lifes. they are allowed. 

     my point is, do they even think to others. is like, my situation, i work harder to strive for a really great result either in finals or anything. but, i do lose my friends because im really lack in socialize. dude, i have to focus on my studying.


      this is im really going to express out. since i moved to mjsc jeli, since that moment, i can feel that my relationship with my friends at tip2 is going to be worse. no i mean, we are not going to be so close. they dont know what im really doing at home. we are not losing our contact but we dont keep in touch.

    how sad! so, my only friends are at mjsc jeli. but, not all of them are comfort with me. with the habit of love-to-study may make a distance. but i do feel that, i want to have more friends, i want to be more socialize, i want to be part of them. leave so many memories together. memories with friends.

    but, sincerely to say, i cant. i may be not so talkative but with those who are knowing me crystal clear, they know me. i love to talk. i love to have joke. but, i have priorities.

    what make me jealous is when, i can see that, they are so free. they seem like dont have any work need to be settle down. they can have fun. they can play all the time instead of me. that's whay they are so close.

    

     this is so serious feeling. i can feel once again. when the high school session is over, i may be not so close with them. first, i live so far with them. it may be so hard for us to hangout together. second, im not so close with them as i feel like im still new. third, i dont like to do some activities with them is like sports and talking rubbish, maybe? because i love to spend my time with books. 
   
    that's why it is so hard and tough. i can count them with my fingers. i hope and i hope, Allah will meet me with those who are really understand me. well, im human and i have feelings too. it's going to mix up and is like, i have every feeling right now. huh! 

P/s: High school is not a place of you to play, learn something new and be yours. youre old enough!


Wordless Wednesday l SPECIAL OF ME l

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم


     i love to take photos. im so passionate of having piles of photos. i love to write and pour in my thought and my feeling through it. im trying to prepare myself for several reasons. for sure, i keep on telling myself that, people always come and go, that's how it works. i can throw my beautiful smile but if youre a reader, you can read how many problems that i hide beneath my smile. im universe of memories and im a memory hoarder. thanks for them who are there when im in need. thanks for some of them as well for leaving me in a place where i dont want to stay. actually, im still single! haha XD

P/s: dont even ask me why Im zealous of writing and snapping photos. because that is the definition of me :)

Wordless Wednesday l FRIENDS l

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم


     the only my bestie when I was at Tip2. She kept on telling me her problems. at the same time, i kept on galvanizing her. she kept my poetry book which i expressed out my feelings. thanks for being there when im in need. we still keep in touch even im at mrsm jeli though. goodluck in school, amel!


     the only close friend when Im in mrsm jeli. i dont even expect i'll be friend with him. i learn so many things with him until i can feel that my attitude changes. he tells his stories and i tell my stories. i told him, i hate to express my feeling and at the same time, i share it with him. He doesnt even notice it. 

P/s: Hopefully, Allah lends your guys until for the rest of my life. Thanks for being part of my soul!

Wordless Wednesday I FAMILY l

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم


     my big family. this year is quite nice than last year. The 2013 was a year with full of problems, tears and tests. but, in big pails of problems, there was still droplets of dulcet smiles among them. even this year is not quite happy as i think but it is much better than last year. thanks Allah. 

last year, i had an operation to take off my both of my foot thumbnails. last year, my mom gets a half stroke until now. last year, my dad had an operation to take off an ependix. last year, i faced pt3. last year, the most teribble year.

memories to be remembered . I need the old of 'us'

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

so, in this entry, I would to combine my languages, I mean, I will write down in both languages, not only in english. Ready to stick up with me?

Lately, I am busy as a bee as I have so many tasks to be done in only days. Plus, I found that all my grades are decreases. I used to gather all A's but then I keep on plucking the C's and D's. Almost E's though. It suprised me. 

At the same time, I have piles of homeworks, I have PRS's duties, and what's important, I have problems with my "close" friend. Do I have to mention? I dont know what I had done, I can feel unbridgeable distance between us. What's shocked me the most is, he said to me directly that," aku yang lari dari kau", and guess what was I feel?

Do I have to laugh? Do I have to pretend like Im still happy to lose friend? Should I? We have so many memories? Do I have to stop from making them? I only have less than 2years to fill up my highschool life. Within 2 years, I want to feel free and I enjoy it.

...and not to feel this feeling

aku dah jaga banyak gila hati, aku lupa kadang-kadang, aku juga ada hati untuk aku jaga. tapi, aku buat-buat lupa, sebab nak jaga hati manusia sekeliling. but, no one appreciates what I had done. orang rapat buat-buat tak nampak. orang jauh judge yang bukan-bukan. Do I have to make an annoucement and tell to all the society? aku ni jenis pemendam, no matter what I feel, aku simpan, sampai aku rasa hati aku dah sarat, aku tak mampu tahan, the tears will roll down the cheeks.

sampai satu tahap, aku tak tahu sampai bila aku nak jaga hati manusia yang tak jaga hati aku. I have a heart that want to be taken care as well. 

bila kau buat distance without I know what's the reasons are. sampai tua pun tak tahu mana salah aku. kalau kau buat distance sampai kau buat aku rasa salah gila, what will you gain, huh?

tak sayang friendship?
tak sayang?

I admit, I do. that's why i try my best to speak. I let down my ego. I try to talk politely as I can. But until when? cubalah faham what I feel. 

try
try to understand

kalau kau nak aku faham kau. aku dah buat. aku faham dan aku mampu ceritakan. but how about you? do you feel me?

saat aku under pressure. I need you to be talk you to be talk to. I want to release my tense. I want to express everything. tak tahu pula aku ditinggalkan saat aku memerlukan seorang kawan. My mind thinks so much things. takkan kau tak ada feeling when kau tengok aku.

aku stres
markah aku down
aku kena kecam
aku busy gila
aku banyak homework tak siap
aku tak faham apa aku belajar
aku mengantuk dalam kelas
aku ada banyak masalah
AKU HILANG KAU

since you make steps, me, myself will try to heal what had you done to my heart. 

LET IT GO.MOVE ON.HEAL

move on isnt easy as ABC. 

I miss our memories, sampai bila kau nak lari dari aku. aku nak KITA.

The Old Of US :"(

thanks for those who are there with me no matter what situation I am
I need you guys



what's wrong with you?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     Since it seems so hard to tell everyone that something wrong had happened towards me. It is like, you are keep on throwing your dulcet smile which is consists about 100 millions problems in it. But then, no one knows.

    Day by day, i dont know why, I keep on sleepy in the classroom. Piles of homeworks to be done and I done nothing sometimes. Most of them are telling me that I have to manage my time wisely. Guess what? My time had been planned with the unnecessary proggrames and I dont have much time to make some revisions, homeworks and rest!

   It is all my fault? But then, I keep on being fault. I am universe of problems because I dont know where should I express my feelings. Everything comes and tries to put me down.

I FEEL SO GIVE UP

     The only sentence that pictures me on this moment. I keep on crying sometimes as I feel so burden. Everything hits me and I dont know how to arrange it. There are lots of people around me and they keep on watching me.

    They are helping by lending me their eyes, (even not help me at all) :"(

   I feel something had changed in my life. I feel tired all the times and I keep on skip my class. I wanna my old life back!

    Im so worried of the upcoming exam. Surely, Allah is The Only One who knows me well. Bestfriend? No, I mean, friend. They will come when they truly need you but please, dont be so overexcited. They will leave when they need to. 

   You may be the place where everyone wants to have rest. almost! From now on, everything needs to be fix. (note for self)

    Ya Allah, the only thing I seek from You is, please lend me your "SLAVE" which comes as a friend so that I can express what I feel right now. How much time for me to take until I meet a person who I will put about more than 70 percent of trust?

    what's wrong with you? I feel all wrong right now!

P/s: Anybody? Help me please

I want to turn back the time

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Don’t trust too much.
Don’t love too much.
Don’t hope too much.
Because that too much
can hurt you so much.

     At this moment, what I feel is what I wonder. Are all the mess come from me? Am I the culprit or more than that? Is it wrong to stand for my right? Is it my fault for being so expose to take care of my beloved stuff? I want the real answer as I cant stand for it anymore.

     Im all stressed out. Im speechless and I cant think anymore.(but my brain is keep on thinking for the sake of other's heart). Sometimes, bila kita asyik jaga hati manusia, kita sampai lupa yang kita juga ada hati yang perlu kita jaga. Im a human and I also own a heart which to be taken care. 

    and, if only you read my post and understand what im going to tell. Everything comes and enters my head without my permission. Everything is need to be solve and need to be done. Because Im feel all wrong. Even I dont do anything wrong. Itulah hidup aku yang complicated.

    so, this is my letter, because I want to express out everything but it seems hard for me to tell it. I feel a lil awkward. so, I hope, you will read it. I mean, I post it for public because, it's included everyone right now. 

Dear my only bestie,
   
     How are you? Are you in pink? (please dont be so nerd?) Hey, are you OK? it seems like we havent talk and have some conversation for days. Are you OK in this way? Because I can feel an unbridgable distance between us. I can feel that, our relationship is about miles away these days. So, im so sorry. Im not in your shoes even I had been in that shoes before. Frankly, that is all my fault. I admit for it as I dont want to raise up my ego. Im still working to put my ego away from me. Why you keep on avoiding from see me? Im not a ghost or Valak? If I can turn back the time, I will never scold you or do something which will hurt you or do anything that will make you sad. Eventhough Im not. I have to be hypocrite just because I want to take care of our relation. because i have too..

your friend (if you think the same)
faris yahani

     I want the old of us. I feel all alone as I have no one to talk to. I have no one to be with. i have no one to release my tense. I have no one play around. and I have no one to tell all my stories. 


     Ini bukan sesi rayuan. This is what I feel right now. Im all blunt. Buat tu salah, buat ni salah. so, where is my right? It is all the time to take care of other's feeling. Im tired as well. 

     If you really know me, (as we always stick together), you will understand what I feel at this moment. and i hope you will. I rather to put my stuff (already lost) in account of to strengthen our relationship back!

    Thanks for those who are keep on inspiring me! shoma, jibet, miss anis

    Life is hard though. Hebat macammana orang tu, rapat macammana pun mereka, there will  be a time that they will fight. and it depends on them, sama ada nak kukuhkan hubungan atau sama-sama pacak ego. 

if you were ever in my life & for some reason you aren't now, just know i'll always appreciate everything you taught me & the time we spent

p/s: sorry will be nothing but i'll show you, i'll win your heart back

Ways to relieve migraine without medicines

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم



     since the migraine seems to shot me back, i want to share my tips on how to relieve the migrane without taking any painkillers. it just a piece of cake and you have to take a lot of care for yourself. based on my take, we will suffer with migraine when we are lack of sleep, too tired and too stressed out. so, let me begin...

  • Apply an ice pack to the painful part of your head. Try placing it on your forehead, temples, or the back of your neck. Be sure you wrap it in a cloth first to protect your skin.
  • Take a warm bath or shower, take a nap, or take a walk.
  • Ask someone to rub your neck and back, or treat yourself to a massage.
  • Apply gentle, steady, rotating pressure to the painful area of your head with your index finger or thumb. Maintain pressure for 7 to 15 seconds, then release. Repeat as needed.
  • Rest, sit, or lie quietly in a low-lit room. Close your eyes and try to release the tension in your back, neck, and shoulders.
     I found these tips on net and let check it out if you want more! nah, so easy right? 

p/s: pain is part of Allah's test. dont regret of having it but enjoy it like youre having an ice-cream :")

Mirror

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     If you still dont know who I am, please dont ever judge based on what you see. You may be wrong. Sometimes, I just show my acting because people love to be act and we have to act based on what they want. You say, you are my mirror which you always keep an eye on me. No matter what relation we are, if you dont ever taste my bitterness of life, you will never know what I feel from now on.

just keep on your mind;;

ATMOSPHERE CHANGES PEOPLE



     You say, you sacrifire everything for the sake of me. You say, you are the one who really passionate to see me with a flying colour result. You say, you are able to judge me as you know me well. but you forget to say that you have to fix yourself first and never tell me the thing that you do it wrong as well. You can say that, im egoistic and stubborn, but can you please throw me an imagination or some flashback?

You did this when you were at my age.
You say that you are a bad-tempered person.
You say that you are fierce.
You say and say it over and over again.

Duh,, the things that you keep saying,, i mean babbling are the things that live in my soul when I was kid. Im human. I mean, Im grenade. I will be explode and Im still wait for the right time. 

People can judge me.
People can do everything bad to me
People can tell me some motivate
People can curse me

but, who the hell want to fix themselves if they have been motivated by a person who still do that wrong action. 

you say, i have to respect you
but you forget to respect me

you say, i may be to egoisctic on account of i just follow mine
but you forget to see yours

i admit that,

i may be ego, i may be stubborn, i may be bad-tempered.. but, if you want to learn something with me, please follow my rules. who the hell wants to teach if someone doesnt respect him at all. you bend my zeal and please dont ask me why i choose to go and not to teach you.

dont ever tell the bad things about me if you dont know me.
otherwise please have a check on you first

i can fix my self, i take people's motivation to fix myself. Duh, do i have to annouce to all the people that i have to change? just go and tell everything about me. i may not shot you a dulcet smile, yes, i hate to smile. MUHAMMAD FARIS BIN YAHANI who loved to smile had gone forever and maybe millions years ago. im really comfort with unsmiley and tight face. That's me. 

you dont even know my stories.
no, you dont

you dont even know my feels.
no, you dont

you dont even know what I've been through
no, you dont

that's why i hate to receive something from people who dont even know me but judge me like s/he is my boss. huh, kinda annoying. i may be rude, im sorry. but if you dont want to see me with this way, please motivate or tell me with soft way. you dont motivate me but you are trying to drag me down

it feels, though

never mind, if you are going to explode. i dont even care.
i have been adapted with this.

i can be a person with a tiger's soul, though

i dont want to pour in my hatred. im not that kind of person. i may be overthinker for everything that i had faced. but, i dont keep it in my heart because i express it in writing. 

in this entry, this is what i feel right now
this is my feeling.

im burning and you lit up my fire

you are and never be my mirror
because my problems and tests from Him
are my mirror.

i can fix myself through them
my problems are my Kafarah

so, i dont want to loose our relation
please dont ever tell me if you dont want to quarrel with me

such a new peer

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     It is just a common thing when everyone chooses to move to the another school, s/he will find some peers. i used to give up of having so much friends. i mean, i had have a backstabber,  a kind of storyteller, a paparazzi and much more. duh, people always be like. so, i chose to go. i met some new friends there. 

just focus on the boy in red there :")
     even i took so much time to remember their names, but i can tighten my bonds between them as well. i could know their background, though. eventhough my thought was wrong. but, who the hell cares about it? i have been fated to stay here for 2 years. 2years ain't long. i dont want to elaborate about my past, i just wanna write down about my new peer there. please dont be sleepy, i'll kill you.

from left, hakim and from right, me

     so, im going to introduce about Hakim. i dont know him well. yes, i dont have much time to take my pen and my notebook to interview him. i just know him a little bit. i dont wanna know and i really dont want to know at all. no, i mean, i just want to fulfill my day at MJSC JELI with an unknown person. even i know his name, but i still dont know his stories, his past and what has he been through. it will be much better then. im so scared of losing friend again.

     he has a dark skin, not too dark but not as white as me. he was born on 4 January 2000. i dont know where he lives, Tendon, perhaps? I know that he got 5A's in UPSR, much better than me. huh, for PT3, i manage myself for not asking him. im so worried if he will think that im going to show off with mine. he's quite good in hockey. im sure that as he will play hockey for college after this. he wants to be a pilot. i guess, it suits him. he's real tall and so up-to-date with fashion.

     that's only about him. lets move to the next part. once i go here, i can spot that im really love to be in front of many students. it seems like i get a gift of the gab. what's more? i can survive, though. im skitz and quite sensitive. i will burn my head once someone chooses to light up the fire in my heart. huhu. im neither the lion nor the tiger. im just being so comfort with my way. being talkative at times. being silent for hours and choose to be alone. 

    thanks God for meet me with this boy. im really grateful. i dont know why? maybe i have never meet this kind of person or i used to do not care of everything when i was at SMKTIP2. everthing changes, though. frankly, i feel so cosy to be friend with him. i can laugh, i can destress, i can be a kid again, i can release my sadness, i can be free and for sure i can do whatever i wanna do with him.

    i dont care whether he feels that comfort or instead. but, seriously, im glad to meet him. he can reminisce me about my childhood. unlucky childhood, i mean. but, that was my past. as long as im happy to be with him, i just accept this. em, i dont even care about height, face, skin color, brainless or everything. as long as he respects me, i'll respect him.

    life's about how we can survive with the person who is really trustful. i trust him, and, i wish he can be my friend. i dont care whether he will be my bestfriend or instead. i wish that, he will not leave me as everyone did to me. it seems okay, but it left some scars in my heart. i can give some apologizes but memories perpetually in my minds.

MY HEAD FULLS OF DREAMS AND MEMORIES

trying to snap a candid photo !
         that's all. i dont know what im going to pour in after this. but, in friendship, i become really hard to put any trust on people. im so scared of getting hurt. it may sound nothing. but, it hurts. that's the feel. if i can turn back the time, i want to meet YED 5yo and tell him that, please dont be so stressed out. then, i want to meet YED 10yo and tell him also for being tough, because, he will face such  a rough way. he will be in studying and will neglect the sports until he lost his interest in sports. i want to meet YED 13yo as well to tell him that, the boy who became his close friend for 2 years will be not open his mouth when YED turns to 15yo. 

     YED 16yo wants to fix everything, and of course not the sports. Yed always wants to be the best among the best. the doctor-to-be always be like :") i dont need any girlfriend because Hakim always makes my days.

p/s: you will meet about many wrong people in your life until you meet the right one. 



Migraine

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

After the standardized II, I have a very extreme headache. I cannot control myself and this happpens day by day. I dont know whether I have migraine or high blood pressure. So, behalf of the student who has migraine would like to tell about MIGRAINE. (this is not such  a speech :)

WHAT IS MIGRAINE?

migraine is a severe, painful headache that can be preceded or accompanied by sensory warning signs such as flashes of light, blind spots, tingling in the arms and legs, nausea, vomiting, and increased sensitivity to light and sound. The excruciating pain that migraines bring can last for hours or even days.

WHY DO I HAVE MIGRAINE?

Migraine headaches are caused by blood vessel enlargement and the release of chemicals from nerve fibers surrounding these blood vessels. A migraine headache can lead to feelings of nausea, diarrhea and vomiting.

P/s: Dont be so stressed out. Keep calm and remember that, every problem has solution. Smile, you dont own all the problem in the world :)

The presentation

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

     Hoho! waiting the moment to present my ULBS after this. Adrenaline gushing all over my body ..guess what? It will be my platform to gain my confident level as I love to speak in front of many people. Who cares if people hate this way. My life,, my own rules.

    I manage to choose motivation is the best key for presentation. Why?? because, when youre talking, spreading the good vibes at least can make the good environment. You will be positive, though.

My first presentation, i had talked about MY DREAMS.
this time, i would to talk about TIME.

this doesnt mean that you want to proud of yourself. This is the way to encourage friends to be better. Im not good, well Im trying to be good! Everything that you want to do, please, make it for Allah.

Insha Allah, He will help.

He will and Im sure, everything will be fine.

Oh wait,, this is my school's time. I just wait for my turn. Huh,, so bored. Staying here is so wonderful.. Yeay!!

P/s: Keep on move, dont despair as well as you want to fail ( who wants fail? )

From TIP2 to MJSC JELI

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم 

     It has been a month for me to stay there. So exhilirating. I had made so much peers but some of them, i just talked and I do forget their names. Oh my god, can someone help me to memorise their faces as they are look so similar. It takes so much times to familiar with their names and faces. So, I dont want to share my story as I dont have any interesting to share with you. I dont have any photos to post as I just bring Nokia X1. So lame ;'(

     Let begin with my college, MJSC JELI. MJSC Jeli is located at Kampung Gemang, 17700, Kelantan. MJSC Jeli is not too far with JeSS and UMK. I guess, MJSC JEli is special because there is gymnasium at the back of Dewan Bitara. Mostly, boys who love to have fit body always go there. I had took a walk at MJSC Jeli and I think, Minjaroes Park wins my heart. I wish I can take some photos there but I do bring no smartphone. So, my friends have to lend me theirs.

     Frankly, the happiness comes when it turns to PB. Bebudak Hostel je faham. I come from Gua Musang and of course I do love to go back home. Since I was there, I had never homesick. Look, how gentle I am. Haha. Henceforth, my time is so packed. I still in the midst of blank whether I have to stay up or awake in the early of the morning to make some revision.

     Hard to think! Hope that I will get 4 flat for every exam that I sit. Tell me who dont want 4 Flat? I think, it comes to end. So, if anything, just post your comment and if I have time to read, God willing, I will reply all of your comments.

     I want to share some photos with my new friends at MJSC Jeli. Haha. These photos were taken in activities weeks. Assalamualaikum. See ya!







Hakim, stop being so full of yourself.. Haha. He managed to pose as a model. Please dont focus on the people at the back.